Let's start out with this disclaimer -
This post is vain. It is selfish. It is not something that I'm proud of. I realize that I am so beyond lucky to have a beautiful healthy baby, but this was a real issue for me. I know I wasn't fat. I know I'm not fat now. I KNOW ALL OF THIS. It has been pounded into my brain so many times that I stopped telling people how much it bothered me. But it did.
Gaining weight. *Gasp* (Hand over mouth) Something that I've consciously dealt with my whole life. Suddenly its okay to gain weight. You're supposed to gain weight. It's for the health of the baby, its what your body needs, etc etc etc. It's still really f*#$ing hard to see the numbers on the scale go up to a land you've never been in before.
When we got pregnant I was in what was probably the best shape of my life. I had just trained and completed the half marathon with my girls and was working out with a trainer 3-4 mornings a week. I felt amazing. I love pushing myself to the physical limits. While I wasn't going to enter a body building competition or win any awards, I was pushing myself to my limits. I love that. I need that. I go crazy without the physical & mental challenge. (ask my husband, he'll tell you). I assumed that when I got pregnant I'd be one of those who was able to run/workout throughout the whole pregnancy and then it'd just VANISH as soon as the baby was born. I ASSUMED. Which means I had it all set up in my head and when it didn't go as planned, I felt like a failure.
I didn't gain anything for the first 12 weeks. Not one single pound.
At 16 weeks I went back to working out with the trainer 2 mornings a week, but I couldn't do much cardio because baby M was putting a lot of pressure on my already bad hips and I couldn't handle any more. I did a lot of squats, planks, arms. Really anything to get my heart rate up and keep me moving. D knew what I was allowed and not allowed to do. I kept working out with him until I was 28 weeks.
Then at the 20 week appointment, I had gained 12. Which according to Dr. I'm-a-Super-Bitch, was 2 lbs more than average and I "might turn into Jessica Simpson." I will never forget her telling me that. (Did I already mention I had an issue with weight?) I told my trainer, who laughed and put me back to work.
I don't remember the rest of it, week by week, but I remember crying randomly. Breaking down in J's apartment in Chicago and not knowing why I felt this way. Feeling like a terrible person for being so focused on being "fat" and not overjoyed for being pregnant. I remember telling the nurse not to tell me my weight. And she did anyway. And I cried. I remember my actual Dr (not the super bitch) telling me not to worry about it. And I still cried.
I'm not proud of this. I know how vain and selfish and ridiculous it all is in the grand scheme of things, but it happened.
Now, 10 weeks after M entered my world, I'm still fighting this battle, but its easier. I've only lost half of the weight I gained but I know that I'll get back to being happy with myself. I have the happiest healthiest baby in the world. I made her that way because I gained ALL THAT DAMN WEIGHT and you know what, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She's worth it.
I will share that I didn't lose that last bit of weight and return to pre-pregnancy weight until I stopped nursing. If you are still lactating, that may have something to do with it. Give it a bit more time. - Aunt Jenny
ReplyDeleteGirl, you're not alone in this mental battle or in assuming that things would go a certain way. We all feel frumpy and/or out of shape for quite some time after delivery. You are absolutely correct that it's all worth it and that it just takes some time to get back to your comfort level. Until then just enjoy every second with that beautiful little one! :-)
ReplyDeleteI just recently found your blog and seriously... that doctor is an asshole. I had the same kind of reaction from mine one month, when I gained 15lbs. Granted, I never worked out ever in my life at that point, and I was also really really being very liberal with the whole "eating for two" thing. I may have considered one box of Kraft mac n cheese to be a serving... and also decided that if I was going to eat the whole thing, why dirty a bowl? I'll just bring the pot with me to the sofa. Omnomnom. It was awesome. But I got serious rudeness from my doctor, and I also gained way more than I should have. Like 50lbs total.
ReplyDeleteSaying you need to watch or you could end up like Jessica Simpson is just plain rude and awful. You should have told her to watch it or she would end up like Ashlee Simpson... a laughing stock with no job.
That all being said, you will lose it. And you will get back to where you are comfortable. It's all part of the game. I am active for the first time in my existence, and I haven't had macaroni and cheese in almost nine months (not that I'm thinking about it every moment of the day or anything...) But I am seeing the weight come off, slowly but surely. As someone that is already active, you will get there. It has helped me a lot to keep in mind.. nine months on, nine months off.
Hang in there. And maybe key that jerks car.
Ah this made my whole day :) I love your blog, it cracks me up. That doctor was rude and I told my doctor about her. Apparently she has a personal issue with her own weight and cannot contain her comments. I'll never see her again!
DeleteThere's only one time in your life where you can justify a whole blue box of mac n cheese, and that's those 40 long weeks. (otherwise, only eat half the box). I will lose it. And when I do, I'll celebrate with some fancy jeans. Okay that's not true.. I'm sure I'll talk myself out of that.. but I can pretend!